Have you ever met someone new or been around people who leave you feeling drained? We have all at some point in our lives had experiences with people that left us feeling like something isn’t lining up or not sitting right with us. Often times, we may have started questioning ourselves, perhaps because there were no clear signs that there was anything ‘wrong’ with these people. Or, even if there were clear signs, we may have overlooked them in the hopes that our initial impressions were not valid.
Unfortunately, the more we question ourselves and our feelings, the more we become confused about what we are actually experiencing. The less we become able to clearly assess situations. We become stuck in a loop of indecision, and this only worsens our ability to recognize toxic individuals and set proper boundaries.
When it comes to meeting toxic people, often times those initial meetings feeling anything but toxic. At the beginning, we may feel incredible, doted upon, revered, cared for, and appreciated — as though we are exalted on a throne. Our ego will relish in this fantasy. The key word being fantasy. This initial feeling is not based on an accurate representation of what is happening in reality, or even what these people may genuinely perceive you as. Rather, this is an example of mirroring — a process by which the best parts of our selves (or the parts which we believe or wish to possess), are reflected back to us by our external world. In simpler terms, we are being shown exactly what we want and wish to see, rather than the truth. An example of this may be that we have always been insecure about our shy and reserved nature. We may even struggle with starting and maintaining conversations in a social setting. In an interaction that may include intense mirroring, the other person would portray themselves as being enthralled by what you are saying, ultimately trying to create the feeling that you are the most interesting person they have ever met. They may even directly tell you this.
It is via the process of mirroring that we initially get hooked into these partnerships. We believe that we are finally living out our fantasies.
To take it one step further, the process of mirroring can go beyond someone making you feel worthy and special. It also includes them portraying what you ideally would want in a partner or a confidant. In this way, not only do you feel like you are truly being appreciated by this new person or group of individuals you have met, but you also feel as though they are your ideal match. You may start to wonder if is it all too good to be true, and if you may be missing some important information. It is key in this situation to slow things down — give yourself the opportunity to see things from a clear perspective and to prevent ‘going down the rabbit hole.’
Once you allow yourself the opportunity to see these situations from an objective standpoint, you will surely notice some red flags or behaviours which aren’t quite up-to-par. Don’t be discouraged if you struggle with putting down the rose-colored glasses. Simply being aware of the following behaviours will be a great starting point. Making an empowered and healthy decision will be more likely to happen when you are educated on a topic and have the information necessary to work with. Remember, we are all making the best with what information we have at the time. So, to make better decisions, it is key to inform ourselves.
Here are a few key behaviours which may indicate that an individual is ‘toxic.’ To clarify, the term ‘toxic’ has become more of a socially-accepted term of late, to simply describe a person that may display characteristics which are less than desirable, resulting in negative interactions with others. It is by no means a medical term and generally does have a stigmatizing connotation associated with it. It is used for the purposes of simplicity and ease of communication in this article, although I would not support its use in day-to-day language.
Intense Mirroring
High Level of Agreeableness
‘Love-Bombing’
Lying and Deceptive Behaviour
Stonewalling
Sarcasm
Subtle Putdowns
Hot and Cold Behaviour
Gas-Lighting
Excessive Need for Attention
Excessive Negative Emotionality
Lack of Responsibility
Jealousy
Financially Irresponsible or a Penny-Pincher
Lack of Empathy
Lack of Follow-Through
Poor Communication Skills
History of Interpersonal Conflicts
Excessive Substance Use
Projection and Projective Identification
Splitting
Impulsivity
“We do not learn from experience…we learn from reflecting on experience” — John Dewey.
In my next posts, we will start to look at these behaviours individually. I will explain these behaviours, how they typically present, and give you examples to go along with it. Stay informed and aware, stay safe, and stay healthy.
